The Power of Empathy
By Gina M. Pleak
Ph.D. Student
Department of
Educational Leadership
Bayh College of
Education
Indiana State
University
Principal
Bartholomew
Consolidated School Corporation
&
Ryan Donlan
Assistant Professor
Department of
Educational Leadership
Bayh College of
Education
Indiana State
University
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is
fighting some kind of battle.
--J.M. Barry
As school
leaders, it is imperative that we have positive human relations with our school
community members. At times, this may be
difficult. However, if we consider
Barry’s quote above during those times, it may help us focus our energy in a
way that will lend itself to a resolution.
How?
Empathy.
Empathy
is a powerful skill for school leaders to use in order to build relationships
with others. It is the ability to
understand another person’s behavior through the lived experience of our own
perspective. It allows us to communicate
in a way that lets others know we understand what they are feeling and that we
understand how and in what manner they are communicating to us.
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee wrote,
“You never really understand another person until you consider things from his
point of view—until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” The old saying of put yourself in another’s
shoes applies. In reality, we may not totally be able to understand anyone’s
situation, but through an empathetic lens, we are at least making an effort of
doing so.
Some say
empathy is an art, because it does not necessarily conform to linearity or
strict laws of nature. In its dynamic
and ever-adapting form (to another’s circumstance), it not only creates,
enhances, and maintains positive relationships, it also resolves conflicts and
offers a therapeutic option when conflict cannot be completely
extinguished. It moves stages of grief
toward acceptance more quickly, yet naturally . . . readily.
A famous
quote from Dalai Lama is “Listen with empathy and speak with compassion.” When parents, staff members, colleagues,
parents, or students come to us upset, defiant, or hostile, a natural response
for even the best of us may include defensiveness, passing judgment, or sometimes
equally inhibiting, a rescue, when others are better left to solve their own
problems.
Another
option is to listen, empathetically.
By
recognizing and acknowledging others’ perspective, you offer them a chance to
validate themselves through supportive reflection and empowerment. You provide them an opportunity for another
to see an issue from their perspective. This
might be the first time, in a very long time that this was offered to
them.
We are
not suggesting that this be done from a superficial level in order to pacify individuals
(admittedly most all in K-12 leadership have this ability), but rather to put
forth an earnest effort to view the circumstance in terms of how they are
feeling; what they are going through; what they need done.
To
acknowledge as fellow human beings that we may have experienced something
similar, yet not necessarily with the myriad issues complicating this
circumstance, goes a long way in connecting authentically and showing that we
honor the uniqueness of the present.
A
question sometimes asked of us is, “In using empathy, are there times where relating
the current situation to our own experiences is appropriate?” Yes, if handled with caution. As time heals all wounds for someone, the
person sitting across from you will not necessarily be in a place for cognitive
reassurance. Traumatic and life-changing
events simply don’t provide for a natural shot of resilience, while they are
taking place.
A better
shot in the arm might be a nod, an authentic affirmation, and our showing
others that we are relating (rather than
telling them that we are) and proving through example.
For great
school leaders, empathy provides such an opportunity.
Let us
examine empathy’s tool kit.
To be
empathetic, listening without interruption is a must. Nonverbal communication is more important
than the verbal. It is more the tones,
gestures, postures, and facial expressions, than the words used. Awkward pauses may, at times, be unavoidable,
and in those circumstances, we may be tempted to jump-right-in with our own thoughts
and opinions. After all, we’re people-fixers. Or at least that is part of what society
expects of us.
However, the
better choice is to “inact.”
A
preferred alternative, where there is choice, is to be quiet, empathetically.
Making intentional
our decision to give others extra time to talk, think, and speak will provide
us with more information about what they are going through. It will also let them know we are there to
listen and support them—not necessarily to solve the dilemma.
Let us be
clear: Empathy is not sympathy, nor is it pity.
Great
school leaders know the difference.
Further, empathy
comes easier to some of us than to others.
For those
where it is more a stretch, can we learn to improve it? YES, as empathy is a social skill, developed
or enhanced with intentional practice and reflection.
As we
reflect again on Barry’s quote, “Be
kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle,”
we might also bring to minds the next desperate parent, the next tale of toil,
or the next attempt to invite rescue. Then,
in visualizing what we can do, compassionately and empathetically, as an
alternative that empowers others to take action and work through circumstance,
we might work to build a better default position, of less advice and more
support.
We might
find that we are left with a default, less judgmental or defensive.
Empathy allows
school leaders to develop, enhance, and maintain relationships. It greatly influences our school invitingness,
especially for those who find school is the only place they can tell their
stories, even if with a bit of venom or snarl.
Empathy is
an opportunity for school leaders to capitalize on the next teachable moment,
showing others what sincerity and an unconditional positive regard can do for
those in a time of need.
________________________________________________________________
Gina Pleak and Ryan Donlan believe in
the old Irish saying, “The best looking glass is the eyes of a friend.” Are we as school leaders the eyes of a
friend, when others approach us? Do we
make time for their stories, even when we don’t have it? Do we strive for authentic regarding, rather
than feigned transparency? If you would
like to discuss any of this further, please do not hesitate to reach-out and
have a conversation at pleakg@bcsc.k12.in.us or at ryan.donlan@indstate.edu.
